- May 07, 2012
By special request, I have decided to re-tell the Spiderzilla story. But I must warn you... I will not be held responsible for any injuries that you or someone else may incur upon reading this post!! It is scary, very scary! Please Mothers, cover your children's eyes...
It was a normal night, or so I thought, and I was peckish. I walk into the kitchen whilst thinking about what I might eat tonight. Would it be pizza rolls? Perhaps a sammich? Maybe I'll make some spaghetti, I thought. As I reached into the pantry to turn the light on via the clever string hanging down from a Thomas Edison invention, there it was... one, two, ...four, omg...6, sh*t, EIGHT LEGS... It's A SPIDER!!! Located and attached at the wall to my immediate right! I quickly teleport into the next room, that's right... I teleported because that is much quicker than running!! Well actually, it's the same thing as running, but really really fast!
Let's pause for a moment...
I must tell you, this spider was no ordinary spider. In fact, it was the biggest spider I had ever seen in my 23 year lifetime. Furthermore, the location of this particular spider suggests that its brain is in fact larger than mine. For this particular, yet clever, yet strategic spider had made the most successful attempt at my life in the history of spider attacks in which I have successfully evaded! Don't you see?? It's GUARDING my food! Even worse, and the part that suggests its level of intellect, is that this spider has strategically positioned himself on the wall located near my food and inside my pantry at the exact moment in time that I would be hungry!!! But the next part is far worse...
The next part:
I had decided that the only possible way for me to get past the spider, was to come up with a gadget that would trap the spider whilst keeping me at least 7 feet away. So I found a pole, a box, and duct tape. Thank God! I thought I was saved, I was already tasting the saucy spaghetti down my throat.
As I tip-toed back inside the kitchen, or war-zone, I quickly took a peak into the pantry and teleported back into the other room. Then, I browsed the images in my short-term memory, and found food, spaghetti, string, a wall, and... and OH MY GOD... there was NO SPIDER!
I know what you are thinking... "Great it's gone! You can eat food!!" No, that is entirely what Spiderzilla wishes me to think. We must remember that this spider had once strategically placed itself on the wall in my pantry where all my food is kept at the exact moment in time that I was hungry!! This is an intelligent spider folks!!! We can't just jump to conclusions andassume it's gone!
If ever I lose sight of a spider, the entire zone in which the spider was last seen must be searched (with dustpan and spider-killer in hands) at every inch, and then... an entire investigation must be completed on the possible locations that the spider could have fled to.
This spider, yes this clever spider, had fled to a spot where no pole or box could get to. Even worse, I could not spray any spider killer at it or I would risk contaminating my food. Do you now understand the seriousness of this matter and the sheer power of intellect that this spider, yes Spiderzilla, holds???
Spiderzilla had completely taken over my pantry, for I could not enter it without surely being attacked and probably murdered. But, I don't think this spider wants to kill me directly. It wants me to suffer a slow, painful death. That's right, I was to starve.
Luckily, this spider had no idea that I had access to an exit from the apartment, yes my door, and keys to a car that would take me to a restaurant where I might obtain food!
I got to the restaurant, and in all the rush... forgot my wallet. I bet you anything, Spiderzilla knew.
To conclude a long story, Spiderzilla still remains alive and well, and as far as I know...in hiding. It is waiting for the right time, again. I fear one day it may be successful.